#selfacceptance – Cathy Huddleston

WHO I AM IS NOT WHO I WAS

I have descriptives, ways I describe myself to others. I am a horsewoman, a student of the horse. I am an educator and a facilitator. I teach people and horses. I specialize in partnership development and responsible communication. I am, I am, I am…. In simplest terms, this is my shorthand elevator speech, and it is the truth and NOT the truth simultaneously.

First Pony, Franco
the 90’s
Tarrens Amigo and Cathy
Cleo
Cathy Huddleston

I’ve been exploring who I am in my deepest, darkest corners, nauseatingly. I’m a bit sick of myself. But here’s the deal: I’ve recognized the self-imposed cage that comes with “I am.” Who I am and what I do are not the same. Who I am and what I’m feeling are not the same. The only way to find the key, open the cage, and walk out and destroy the cage is to release the habits and beliefs I’ve chained to the statement “I am.”

Here’s the deal, “I am” has served me, motivated me, boosted my self-confidence, and opened doors. I have worn the statement “I am a horse trainer” with pride. I’ve worn my confidence and that descriptor like a superhero’s cape. I have trained horses that others couldn’t, solved problems, built partnerships, and loved every minute. That statement has fed my ego, and I succeeded.

As life progressed, I began using “I am” in conjunction with facilitator and educator. More capes placed upon my shoulders, worn proudly. Through my work, I reveled in the joy and adrenaline rush that came with changing people’s lives. My capes became adorned with golden embroidery and phrases starting with “I am.” I AM A FACILITATOR, I CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES FOR THE BETTER, I AM A TRAINER AND SOLVE PROBLEMS, I AM SUCCESSFUL, I AM INDESPENSIBLE. With each emboldened phrase added to each cape, the weight upon my identity and soul purpose became heavier. The capes wrapped so tightly around me that I could no longer carry them, stifled within the confines of my own making. I built the cage around me and threw away the key.

Why, why did I do this? Upon reflection, I’ve recognized a few things. Some of this ideology came from my upbringing and the culture I grew up in. I grew up in a small town in Western Kansas where I was repeatedly asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” The question was singular with a hint of choosing carefully because once I decide, that’s it! College felt like a given next step, not a choice. And so, the “I am” built momentum, becoming my identity and eventually a strength overused.

Time flies by, and today, I find myself in a place I never expected or predicted, unwinding and removing the capes of “I am.” In this place of release and reinvention, I find myself creating some changes in habit and action. Instead of “I am,” I’m beginning to differentiate between who I am, what I feel, and what I do—shifting from stagnant nouns to vibrant verbs. Invigorating my soul by moving from who I’ve been to how I want to experience life. No more use of the phrase “I am a horse trainer, a people trainer, a facilitator, and an educator.” Now, I practice embodying my curiosity about how horses learn, what people can discover about themselves through horses, what questions I can ask in the role of facilitator to serve others, and how I can utilize my knowledge and skills to continue learning AND pass on my knowledge and skills.

When I glimpse in the mirror and look into my eyes, I see glimmers of my younger self. I see that little girl thundering across the ground on my pony, arms spread wide and joyfully laughing into the universe. I had no care in the world, and it didn’t matter who I was; it mattered how I felt. It mattered that I was learning new things, falling and getting back up and on. This is who “I am,” that fierce little warrior of joy-seeking adventure. I gradually lost that connection, one grain of sand at a time. I have reclaimed my relationship with her, with my authentic self, and choose to embrace my curiosity and desire to discover new things and new learning. I choose to gallop across the plains, arms thrown wide and laughing with the universe.

Today, I invite you to join me in letting go of “I am” and reconnect with yourself, your inner child, and joy through the eyes of a horse. The ever-present and unconditional acceptance and connection in a present state of being with a horse can be life-changing.

So, contact me if you’d like to go on this journey and experience self-discovery through the horses. After all, there’s nothing like the gift of unconditional acceptance and connection through the eyes of a horse. Go to my contact page and reach out. I cannot wait to share horses and curiosity with you!

Cathy

OUR LAST GOODBYE

I arrived at Andi’s and our first conversation after everyone left was this…

Andi: “Do you know what’s happening with me?”

Me: “Yes”

Andi: “Say it”

Me: “You’re dying”

We shed tears aplenty and our last days together began.

What do you say to your friend when you know her end is near? I pondered this leading up to my arrival. We spoke on the phone, and I knew her diagnoses upon first discovery of the cancer. We talked frequently through the entire diagnoses and treatment process. My amazing and headstrong friend preferred to process out loud and we were good at that together. I could offer a different perspective, and challenge her thought process, always from a place of love and supporting her highest good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always agree with her choice, however, I respected her choice as it was her body and her journey.

I listened as treatment went from working exceptionally well, to not working at all. I listened as she decided that she wanted to live and intentionally narrowed her focus laser-like on to said goal. In the end, the cancer defeated her body in mere months. Ovarian cancer is a wicked insidious beast of destruction and devastation! Throughout the process my friend chose her journey based on her given options, and those moments we spent together near the end were gut wrenching and heartbreakingly beautiful…

I, like her other close friends and family, took my turn showing up and taking care of her. I mean this in the literal sense as I cooked for her, medicated her, kept her slushy full, helped her to the bathroom, drained the fluid off her abdomen daily, the list goes on. And, as important as the physical care was, more importantly I helped her process. I will carry many of our conversations throughout the years in my heart, quietly wrapped in a golden box, deep within my heart space, where those special moments live; Inside a box that only I have the key to. Lessons, laughter, shared sparks of wisdom through facilitation, horses, dogs, cats, a goat and including all the glorious moments of joy and laughter to conflict and disagreement…the entirety of our friendship held in images and feelings reminisced. We learned so much together and from one another, and I will miss our mutually supported growth so very much.

I’d like to share a few things from those last few weeks together. Andi allowed us to share with her community the end was near. The response from that community of people whose lives she had touched was truly profound. There were several people that she asked me to call and tell in person, conversations that I experienced as the bearer of sad news that in turn filled me with a deeper appreciation and understanding of her profound impact. So very many people sent written messages I had the privilege of reading to her, person after person who wanted to say thank you for a spark of awareness that led to an experience, empowering them to create change and better their lives. I read message after message, each filling me with a new respect for not only my friend, but also for the belief that we can each help those who come to us in our own unique way. I too, through a facilitated experience, can help shift a perspective and empower someone through experience with my gifts and it matters. I watched my friend stand in her power and purpose as she continued to impact and teach all of us to the very end. And for that I am forever grateful.

I’d also like to share from our mutual love of the horses. We connected over horses in Arizona so many years ago, and that love of horses held us in one another’s lives. We owned horses together, we cared for one another’s horses, we shared learning about and from the horses, and we disagreed on many levels around the horses. All in all, it was a well-rounded relationship! Some of my horses became hers and some of hers became mine. I cannot tell you how many conversations revolved around horses over the years, but every single discussion included a horse something.

The last day I was there with her was the day she decided to go out and see her horses one last time. The weather that afternoon was beautiful. Getting her to the barn involved three of us for support, a wheelchair, a vehicle, and another human to get horses up and in to stalls. Andi sat in her wheelchair in the aisle of the barn, and I brought each of her beloved horses to her one by one. Each horse in an order decided for us by the horses. Every single horse was gentle beyond belief. Some nuzzled her, breathed in the top of her head, several played with her blanket gently, and each quietly shared a profound moment of connection and love with her. I facilitated this experience with the horses, like I have so many times before, and will continue to do so in my lifetime, after all it’s a part of my calling and purpose. The last horse to say goodbye was the first horse we created together, the first mare born to our combined herd, and it was so very fitting to end with her. The goodbyes to her herd represented the truest version of our friendship and how we showed up for one another. It was not sad for me; it was honest and honoring of all that we as a collective were and are. A herd, both horse and human, honoring the ending of a beloved member and saying goodbye.

Andi crossed the rainbow bridge within a few weeks of that moment. On the other side of the bridge, I believe she was welcomed and embraced by all the four legged’s she’d loved and who crossed before her. Some might say our world is greyer without her in it, but I say our world is so much brighter by the light she brought to so many lives.

I catch myself wanting to call her and share something that occurred with my horses or a client, to debrief an experience, or just catch up…. And then I remember there’s no one to answer. Instead, I reflect on the moments of leading each horse up to her for that last goodbye, and then I open that golden heart-shaped box and retrieve a brighter memory, a memory I savor and gently place back in its place. I will forever miss you my friend and say “thank you” for every moment we shared … good, bad, or in between, and especially for allowing me the honor to be a part of your last goodbye. May the horse ancestors welcome you with a thunderous roar of their hooves, a gentle breathy nicker, and a nuzzle from each whiskered muzzle.

As Andi would often say, “How we do anything is how we do everything” and you my friend did it your way. I miss you….

Cathy

What if Love really can conquer all…

I am going to admit something; for many years, I have not fully believed in Love. I have questioned and doubted the power of Love. In relationships, I have openly stated that Love could not conquer all. I believed that there had to be more than “just love”. I am not sure where I began the shift away from Love in all her glory, but I did none the less.

When I was a kid, I deeply LOVED my animal friends, especially my dogs and horses. I spent all my time with them, and we adventured together. I was fearless with the horses and loved every minute of it. I rode them, hung out with them, even had conversations with them, and there was almost always a dog by my side. I even had a dog that would jump up on the saddle and ride with me. I have never lost or questioned my Love for the 4 legged’s, just with humans.

As a teen I dated, but nothing compared to my horse time. Maybe if some of them had been “horsemen” it might have been different, maybe not. I just remember that going to horse shows was more important than dates. I worked my dating life around my horse time and horse shows.

In my 20’s, I entered the horse world as a professional trainer. I experienced conflicting worlds when I began exploring relationships as an adult. I dated plenty of people during this time; some I loved deeply, some I just liked, some were great lessons in what I did not want in a relationship, I broke some hearts, and I had my heart broken. As time marched on, I began to embrace the limiting belief that Love could not conquer all, Love was just not enough.

On the other hand, I have always been present and supported others in their relationships. I listen, I offer a perspective that supports them when asked, I encourage patience, and I suggest that Love of one another can be reason enough to find the other side of pain and conflict. Unfortunately, I did not believe that to be true for me. In one of my relationships, when it came crashing down, she shared with me that she had always believed our Love could conquer all. She said that she believed we could get through anything because of our Love, and I stated that there had to be more than just love. I broke her heart, and in truth, I had been breaking my own for years.

Recently I started a class on Conscious Transformation, and the question was posed, “What limiting beliefs do you hold? What might your life look like if you let go of that belief?”.

For 24 hours, I danced around limiting beliefs that I have dealt with for years; I am not worthy, I have to pay my dues first. I was avoiding the big one, that Love can conquer all. What if Love is the source, the why? What would it mean if Love could conquer all? What might my world look like if this were true? What might be possible?

It hit me like a fully loaded semi-truck and trailer barreling down the highway at 75 mph, and I was the little bug that splattered all over the windshield! I had withheld the gift of Love, not only from others but from myself. Everywhere I have been looking to help heal myself and grow has been telling me, in a multitude of ways, that I need to open and soften my heart. I just could not see the forest for the trees, until I could. Now I am amazed at the variety and depth of the shades of green in that forest as I begin to see again.

So, this year I started with myself, and through my therapist and tons of books, became open to the idea of loving myself. First, I began to embrace my soul, my gifts, my differences as positive needed attributes; I began to embrace my passion and purpose with horses in an expanded way. I gave myself permission to mourn, to really grieve the horses I had loved and lost in my life. In doing so, I began to soften and build a stronger relationship with my current horse. We were missing that core heart connection because of me. Through listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D., I experienced an epiphany, that my body is my consort. Forehead slap! Everything I am, I do, I feel, I experience, is done THROUGH my body! The importance of treating her with Love and compassion unconditionally and unapologetically suddenly became a necessity, not a choice. And finally, I find myself at this juncture; Embracing the idea that Love of self and others is the only way…

If Love were my reason, what would that mean to self and others?

I will be there in the hard times because of love.

I will rest and rejuvenate because of love.

I will laugh because of love.

I will dance because of love.

I will cry because of love.

I will listen more because of love.

I will try harder because of love.

I will stand taller because of love.

When the going gets tough, I will soften and become flexible and pliable because of Love.

I will give of my heart without expectation because of Love.

I will forgive because of Love.

I will rise and protect those who need me because of Love.

I will reach out my hand to help others because of Love.

I will be present and witness because of Love.

And when the time comes, I will leave this world a better place than when I arrived, because of Love.

Today, I acknowledge the possibility that Love might truly be the way and why. Through Love, maybe anything IS possible. With a loving heart leading the way, my journey has already become brighter and clearer. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know that Love will lead me forward into a higher calling and contribution.

Today I choose to love unconditionally, and I know I will have to focus on this action indefinitely because LOVE is a verb. I will be tested, challenged, questioned; If I continue to return to the belief that Love comes first, then maybe, Love really can conquer all.

I HAD TO COVER MY MIRROR TO SEE MYSELF

About a month ago, I chose to completely cover my mirror. I covered it with quotes that spoke to me, poems about horses, and authentic nature. I included phrases that supported me in owning my voice and my authentic truth. There were pictures of me at 2 and 3 yrs., with my first pony Franco. Images of me teaching and smiling, smiling from my soul as I walked my path and lived my passion. Words that I wrote by hand in black marker, “Today I choose ME, Tomorrow I choose ME, Forevermore I choose ME”; I wrote those words to remind me of the importance, the necessity, and the value of choice. The choice to own my entire truth, my soul, my heart, my being at the molecular level.

In the last month, I have experienced myself in ways I had forgotten. I remembered how it felt to be living my purpose and my passion. Every day I looked at the photos of myself as a child with Franco, and each day I saw that little girl a bit more clearly. At first, I saw a girl with her horse, dragging him around his enclosure. Soon I saw the soulful joy in a child’s eyes as she dragged her pony around. Eventually, I recognized the choice of the pony going along with his kid in a peaceful way, with a gentle loop in the lead rope and a soft expression on his face. Finally, I began to see myself, my small body with long legs draped along his sides as he quietly grazed. I could see that I still lead a horse in the same relaxed manner. I could see a soul that came into this world with a love and passion for horses. I need to be with them, learn from them, ride them, teach them. I could finally see and reconnect with that perfectly amazing little girl.

There were phrases from different people and places that reminded me and encouraged me. One phrase from a song by Mary Lambert, She Keeps Me Warm, “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to”. This phrase spoke to me originally about my sexuality and owning My Truth. But in this context, on this board, daily, I was reminded of how I came into this world with a love of horses and self. A passion and purpose intertwined with horses; A lifestyle that is lived with horses as teachers, a student, and a trainer. Simply put, a deep connection and purpose of contributing through my love and learning with horses.

Another statement that stood out, “I am enough because I AM”. This phrase has been hard at times for me to resonate with. I have questioned my existence, my purpose, my contribution, and deemed myself unworthy and undeserving. I have attacked my inner voice with ideas and belief systems that said that I haven’t worked hard enough, I haven’t earned success, I haven’t impacted enough lives in a positive way, and that essentially, I am not enough. I chose to say “I am enough because I AM” out loud, daily, and repeatedly. They were just words until they were not. Just an idea and a concept, until those words reached the marrow of my bones. I do not know which day I heard my soul respond from the depths of my being; I just know that she did and said, “yes, yes, you are and always have been”. It was a whisper that first time, but I heard HER, nonetheless. The beauty is that I accepted and embraced her response, her whisper this time, and it became easier to own every second after that.

About 2/3rds of the way through this little experiment, I drove my truck. It had become quite easy by this point to not look at my reflection. It was not hard; I did not wonder how I looked. I could touch my stomach and my muffin top and simply notice how I felt inside and out. I could state that I love and accept my body exactly the way it is and mean it. I have been listening to the work of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., her work in The Joyous Body landed a shot to my perception that I will never forget. She presented the idea that our body is our consort, our never-ending companion on this journey of life. Our body never quits on us, no matter how we treat her. We can underfeed her, limit her sleep, drive her until she collapses, ignore her needs in every way possible, and she keeps going and trying for us until she can no longer. She has my back and continues to rise in honor of my drive and desire. I was reminded that this body that I have not loved or cared for in every way possible provides my journey. I ride a horse through her, I feel a hug through her, I experience pleasure through her – a kiss, a taste of coffee in the morning, the smell of orange blossoms blooming, the sound of birds chirping or horses chewing hay, the sight of my dogs wrestling. I feel sorrow and loss deep in her crevices, I feel the painful reminders of old injuries that linger, it takes a minute for her to get going after I sit for extended periods, I feel laughter and emotion rise up from her belly, and I feel what others feel through her sensory perception that I embody. She is not my enemy that I must manage and abuse into an image or societal norm. She is my companion, my devoted and loyal primary relationship married to my soul on this journey of life. When I embraced the concept of a primary relationship being with my body, everything shifted. She is glorious in every way she has existed. No matter my weight, my drive, my abuse, she has always been there with me, not despite me, with me. I suddenly understood so many things about acceptance and self-care. I recognized that I must treat her with love and dignity, listen when she asks for what she needs, and honor her loyalty and gifts. I must honor her and treat her in all those ways I desire to be honored and treated by a significant other in a relationship. SHE is my primary relationship, and it is up to me to provide all those things to HER, MY body, MY consort.

It came to me Friday morning June 5th that this was the day to uncover the mirror. That evening, before the lunar eclipse, in ceremony, I removed the covering. I anticipated a moment of catharsis I suppose, when seeing my image again in that mirror. That is not what happened. As I began to remove the covering, the quotes, the images. I repeated what was written and looked deeply at the images, including those of myself. In one photo, I was teaching students, and the smile on my face was that of a woman living and being her purpose joyfully. The smile was real, an embodied joyful moment captured without distraction. I could recognize myself in that photo, and looking at the image, I could feel deep inside my soul the peace, joy, and purpose I was living in that moment. I was in my lane and doing my thing. I did not look into the mirror until the covering was fully removed. I was not nervous or excited, just present in the ceremony. When I finally peered into the mirror at my image, I ever so gently saw myself looking back. I saw my laugh lines, my freckles, my slightly crooked smile, the depth of feeling in my eyes. I saw ME. I really saw myself for the first time in I do not know how long, and the face looking back was beautiful and loving.

This experiment started with my horse Cleo and noticing how she embodies her self-identity. She showed me who we are is not our exterior or our perceived flaws. We are inside out. She is the same, you know; she is a soul being that experiences life through her body consort. If that were not true, then all horses, all sentient beings, would be identical. They are not; they are individuals who model living life through their consort and honoring the body’s need to eat, drink, find shade, rest, enjoy companionship without ever knowing what their own reflection looks like. In that teaching, she gave me the opportunity to begin to see myself through her eyes: my true self, my magical self, my loving embodied self. Today and every day forward, I get to choose to support and love my consort, my body. I am choosing to make HER my primary relationship, and in doing so, I will be a better daughter, partner, teacher, student, trainer, speaker, author, storyteller, athlete, and so much more. I will be able to contribute to my community and live my purpose at a deeper and more profound level while leaving love and gratitude in my footprints.