#LGBTQ. #queer – Cathy Huddleston

OUR LAST GOODBYE

I arrived at Andi’s and our first conversation after everyone left was this…

Andi: “Do you know what’s happening with me?”

Me: “Yes”

Andi: “Say it”

Me: “You’re dying”

We shed tears aplenty and our last days together began.

What do you say to your friend when you know her end is near? I pondered this leading up to my arrival. We spoke on the phone, and I knew her diagnoses upon first discovery of the cancer. We talked frequently through the entire diagnoses and treatment process. My amazing and headstrong friend preferred to process out loud and we were good at that together. I could offer a different perspective, and challenge her thought process, always from a place of love and supporting her highest good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always agree with her choice, however, I respected her choice as it was her body and her journey.

I listened as treatment went from working exceptionally well, to not working at all. I listened as she decided that she wanted to live and intentionally narrowed her focus laser-like on to said goal. In the end, the cancer defeated her body in mere months. Ovarian cancer is a wicked insidious beast of destruction and devastation! Throughout the process my friend chose her journey based on her given options, and those moments we spent together near the end were gut wrenching and heartbreakingly beautiful…

I, like her other close friends and family, took my turn showing up and taking care of her. I mean this in the literal sense as I cooked for her, medicated her, kept her slushy full, helped her to the bathroom, drained the fluid off her abdomen daily, the list goes on. And, as important as the physical care was, more importantly I helped her process. I will carry many of our conversations throughout the years in my heart, quietly wrapped in a golden box, deep within my heart space, where those special moments live; Inside a box that only I have the key to. Lessons, laughter, shared sparks of wisdom through facilitation, horses, dogs, cats, a goat and including all the glorious moments of joy and laughter to conflict and disagreement…the entirety of our friendship held in images and feelings reminisced. We learned so much together and from one another, and I will miss our mutually supported growth so very much.

I’d like to share a few things from those last few weeks together. Andi allowed us to share with her community the end was near. The response from that community of people whose lives she had touched was truly profound. There were several people that she asked me to call and tell in person, conversations that I experienced as the bearer of sad news that in turn filled me with a deeper appreciation and understanding of her profound impact. So very many people sent written messages I had the privilege of reading to her, person after person who wanted to say thank you for a spark of awareness that led to an experience, empowering them to create change and better their lives. I read message after message, each filling me with a new respect for not only my friend, but also for the belief that we can each help those who come to us in our own unique way. I too, through a facilitated experience, can help shift a perspective and empower someone through experience with my gifts and it matters. I watched my friend stand in her power and purpose as she continued to impact and teach all of us to the very end. And for that I am forever grateful.

I’d also like to share from our mutual love of the horses. We connected over horses in Arizona so many years ago, and that love of horses held us in one another’s lives. We owned horses together, we cared for one another’s horses, we shared learning about and from the horses, and we disagreed on many levels around the horses. All in all, it was a well-rounded relationship! Some of my horses became hers and some of hers became mine. I cannot tell you how many conversations revolved around horses over the years, but every single discussion included a horse something.

The last day I was there with her was the day she decided to go out and see her horses one last time. The weather that afternoon was beautiful. Getting her to the barn involved three of us for support, a wheelchair, a vehicle, and another human to get horses up and in to stalls. Andi sat in her wheelchair in the aisle of the barn, and I brought each of her beloved horses to her one by one. Each horse in an order decided for us by the horses. Every single horse was gentle beyond belief. Some nuzzled her, breathed in the top of her head, several played with her blanket gently, and each quietly shared a profound moment of connection and love with her. I facilitated this experience with the horses, like I have so many times before, and will continue to do so in my lifetime, after all it’s a part of my calling and purpose. The last horse to say goodbye was the first horse we created together, the first mare born to our combined herd, and it was so very fitting to end with her. The goodbyes to her herd represented the truest version of our friendship and how we showed up for one another. It was not sad for me; it was honest and honoring of all that we as a collective were and are. A herd, both horse and human, honoring the ending of a beloved member and saying goodbye.

Andi crossed the rainbow bridge within a few weeks of that moment. On the other side of the bridge, I believe she was welcomed and embraced by all the four legged’s she’d loved and who crossed before her. Some might say our world is greyer without her in it, but I say our world is so much brighter by the light she brought to so many lives.

I catch myself wanting to call her and share something that occurred with my horses or a client, to debrief an experience, or just catch up…. And then I remember there’s no one to answer. Instead, I reflect on the moments of leading each horse up to her for that last goodbye, and then I open that golden heart-shaped box and retrieve a brighter memory, a memory I savor and gently place back in its place. I will forever miss you my friend and say “thank you” for every moment we shared … good, bad, or in between, and especially for allowing me the honor to be a part of your last goodbye. May the horse ancestors welcome you with a thunderous roar of their hooves, a gentle breathy nicker, and a nuzzle from each whiskered muzzle.

As Andi would often say, “How we do anything is how we do everything” and you my friend did it your way. I miss you….

Cathy

ALONE

Recently I had a REALLY hard day. Everything came crashing down and I could no longer hold life up on my shoulders; I collapsed emotionally onto the floor in a heap of tears and sobs. All day long I could not keep it together, I couldn’t even find the end of the rope to start the process of climbing… I’d like to say I gave in to the message, but I didn’t. I fought it, gave it the finger, and no matter what, I kept getting knocked on my ass by waves of emotion and release!

I’ve supported others thru the process of understanding and embracing the gifted guidance of emotion. I not only teach emotion as information; I practice emotion as information. I know the ebb and flow of emotion. I know emotion brings messages that provide valuable information for us. I know emotion is the driving force behind our decisions. I know that we attach meaning to situations and experiences based on our feelings/emotions. I know baggage from experiences can get attached to our psyche through emotion instead of learning. I’ve spent decades exploring, reading, researching, learning, teaching, and growing through the process of understanding and embracing emotion. I have done this in a variety of ways, but my go to has always been the horses for understanding and teaching emotion as information. I could not see the forest for the trees; I could not get my head above water; I was on the ground, in the rising dust of thousands of horse’s hooves with no ability to stand and find my way out.

As I sit here with my dogs and horses exploring my experience, with the ability to look back from the other side on those moments… The thing that keeps coming to mind is an image of a horse standing alone in a pasture. From a distance he seems fine, grazing there by himself. But, upon closer inspection, we see a sad horse in isolation. A horse with no other of his kind nearby. A sentient being whose species is designed to live together in family groups and herds. The very makeup of a horse’s DNA is to be with others of their kind for both survival and companionship. I have known practically my entire life that a horse alone is a miserable horse. Through my education I’ve come to understand why that means. It is written in their DNA to be together. It is the makeup of their social system. Even young bachelor stallions in the wild join in bachelor bands until they acquire their own family herd.

We humans have done many things for our convenience to horses. One of the cruelest of those things is isolation. It is not unusual for breeders, owners, and trainers to isolate a horse “for his/her own protection”. This translates to the horse being of perceived high value, a show horse, or an owner who doesn’t want any veterinary bills. The latter will occur whether we like it or not. I’ve seen this practiced at many levels; being turned out in a paddock alone, hand walked, turned out in the arena alone and chased around, and even stalled continuously except when being ridden. These are all accepted practices in the horse industry and done so with good intention. Unfortunately, there is often a consequence for human needs and perceptions placed higher than the naturally occurring needs and drives of the horses themselves. Stomach ulcers are one such issue and occurring with such a high prevalence, that it has become common practice to feed ulcer prevention medication daily. By the way, there is a negative consequence for long term use of any medication including this kind. Few horses cope with these practices well on their own. Coping behaviors develop like weaving and cribbing; solutions for these behaviors are pain inducing deterrents like cribbing straps. But seldom is a change in “keeping strategy” tried. This all adds up to unhappy, unhealthy horses.

What does this have to do with me? Well, on this side of my turmoil, I’m recognizing through the above lessons with horses, that I’ve been doing the exact same thing to myself! I have been keeping myself in a stall and not turned out with others of my kind. I’ve been doing this far longer than just during quarantine. I was in a long-distance relationship from fall 2016 to around fall 2019. Both of us had demanding responsibilities, and we lived a plane ride apart. Me on horse properties in the Midwest and Florida and her in NYC. We not only lived in vastly different places, but also lived quite different lives. Our schedules meant we were lucky to see one another once a month and often longer. Honestly, I think my relationship was with a voice on the phone. The consequence for this choice in relationship meant more time alone. I still engaged with people at work or socialized some with friends, but mostly stayed home and connected via the phone to my girl. During this relationship, I thought we were building toward a life together, clearly, we were not. The habit of being at home alone continued through my breakup and habitually into the pandemic. And then I found myself spun out. The gift of this epic collapse and break down is being able to see the forest for the trees again. Humans, like horses, are designed to be together. It is in our DNA to live in family groups and communities. This has been passed down for generations and is a part of our survival mechanism. It is also a part of our social system. Being together with others includes things like energetic engagement, eye contact, and even touch. The ability to give and receive a hug, you know, the heart to heart pause and embrace breathe one another in kind of hug, can be necessity with those we care for. The components of healthy human connection have been missing from my life, and it is causing coping behaviors to resurface. I spent a month having a glass of wine or two or even three every night. My OCD behaviors have surfaced, and I catch them after beginning to do them instead of at the thought point. I have a shorter fuse and am quicker to anger. I have dipped my toe many times into apathy. I have binge watched some unusual and cool shows to shut out the world. I have tried numerous meditation practices to fight the constant chatter in my brain. The list goes on and on.

I recognize the things that I have been craving, I have not wanted to acknowledge to myself. I am single and alone and isolated. I miss engaging with other humans in a present state in the same physical space. I miss the gentle touch of a partner caressing my skin. I miss the soft supple lips of a woman kissing me. I miss morning coffee with another human. I miss sharing stories and laughter over a meal. I miss disagreements and making up. I have missed these things for many years now, with just a weekend taste here and there. Honestly, the real isolation has occurred in my heart. Somewhere along the way I locked my heart in a stall and wouldn’t let her out to play with others. I experienced pain and loss so many times and in so many ways that I shut her away to protect her. In doing so, I caused more damage to me.

My little, ok not so little breakdown was a gift to me, albeit wrapped in a dark downward spiral that shattered me into pieces. When I started to begin the repairs, I discovered the truth of my “alone”. It is a prison of my own creation. It is also a prison I have the key to, so I have chosen to unlock and open the door. I let my heart out of her cage. I know what she needs and that’s authentic connection. It’s always been easy to allow love in from my 4 leggeds and gift it right back to them. The challenge has been with 2 leggeds. I have struggled with why I have chosen so many partners who were emotionally unavailable and the answer is because I have been emotionally unavailable!

So, today I walk through life with a rose quartz colored heart seeking another to match mine. I open my heart to receiving. I celebrate tribe and family, and the knowledge that eventually, I will be with other humans again, without masks and social distancing. I’m open to being with, truly being with another person in a primary romantic relationship that includes building a life together, in whatever way we decide fits us (I’m still not traditional), and I look forward to being with others of my kind, sharing life, laughter, stories… and LOVE…

Hardened Heart?

It has been an intriguing time quarantining during this pandemic. I have had quality time with myself… everywhere I go there I am. The conversations have become monotonous, drab, even repentant and mournful. I have read an array of books. Currently, I am reading several about women warriors, feminine mythology, and Toltec teachings. I am also listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., and watching a new horse training series out of Europe. What else… oh, I have cried and wept out of the blue, researched prejudice and systemic racism, delved into my own bias and learned behavior, and took a few naps.

In the middle of all of this, I have discovered some things about myself. One of these things is that I have a hardened shell around my heart. At first, I thought it was a solid shell, like steel or platinum. That is not accurate, it can be permeable and pliable. I know this because when my pup smiles at me and makes eye contact, I can feel my heart lighten and expand. It feels as though my heart takes a deep soft breath, and a smile rises from the expansion as it fills my cheeks and eyes with happiness. Or, when my mare leans into my hand with her body and gently breaths me in with her eyes half-closed. These moments are visceral reminders of the loving resonance I share with these beautiful sentient beings.

Let’s talk about humans. I experience an expansion of my heart when I teach or facilitate people. I often do my work with people through horses and the lessons I have acquired from horses. The work is with people, and the resonance occurs with those people, and my heart feels overflowing in that environment. I am fulfilling my purpose and passion while supporting others in growth and healing, and that feels good from the inside out. I can hold space for them, share my experiences and learning, be vulnerable, shed a tear, and listen with a depth of focus and attention that blurs the world around us. I feel deeply, and the feelings are broad strokes of vibrantly colored emotion dancing through empathy and caring. That heart beating inside my beautiful being is ever-present and expanding.

The hardening seems to be with romantic or intimate partners. I have discovered that the permeable bubble shield around my heart turns to a solid. As I reflect on my past relationships, I can see a pattern. With each partner, I have opened my heart, lowered my shield, thinned the veil of protection, and allowed them to enter my heart. With each occurrence of joining my heart with someone, I have also experienced levels of pain and sorrow—disappointment in outcomes. The tearing apart of hearts and lives for varied reasons has left my heart broken with jagged, sharp edges slashing my soul. The deep red blood has pooled at the base of my heart space where it thickened and became sludge. The pain and disappointment of broken dreams, the sadness and grief that has accompanied the devastation, the mourning of said loss has come with pain and crocodile tears. Early on, my heart opened easily to romance and love. With each passing loss of intimacy, my heart became less permeable. Once light showed through and refracted all the rainbow’s glorious colors; now my heart casts shadows that are dark and cold like the depth of winter during an arctic blast in Calgary. The effort it has taken to warm and soften my heart in my most recent relationships has been challenging and fleeting. I have found my way to opening only to have it frozen and shattered yet again.

Here is the truth of my heartfelt enlightenment. This did not happen to me, I created it. My heart did not come with a handbook or directions. I have looked inside, and there are no instructions carved into my heart, or on the walls of my heart space. There is no loudspeaker calling out to me with the next steps. I must figure it out. None of this has happened TO me, I have defined and chosen my emotion, or lack thereof in each situation and ending. I decided to compartmentalize the painful arguments. I opted to shift to hardened inflexible neutrality when conflict and emotion escalated with my partners. I dropped my internal temperature to a state of frigidity that forced the shattering of my heart. I stopped the fluidity of emotion running through my being. I allowed myself to bleed out and become stagnant.

Why? Why did I make these choices? Quite simply, I did not have the tools or understanding to choose differently at the time. With each new foray into pain and discourse, I turned away instead of facing it head-on. I honestly thought I was creating better coping tools. Instead, I was destroying myself from the inside out. I get to own my choices and the role I played in the destruction of each relationship. There have been times when I have pointed my finger at the other person and refused to own any of our implosion resulting in the end. It could be called a childish or selfish response. However, I simply did not know how to do it differently.

Today I have a new awareness. I see the balance in my emotion. The depths of pain and despair that I can touch is balanced by the depth of love I can experience and gift to another. For example, my father has been gone half my life, and the cavernous grief I can still access today when I reminisce about our time together is unending. I know that I loved him as deeply as it hurts. As painful as that can feel, I would not trade a single moment or memory to lighten the load.

So now, I choose to shift my perspective of LOVE and loving another. I choose to embrace the softening and opening of my heart. The last blog I wrote was embracing Love as the reason. Today I choose to embody that concept. I know with each new awareness; I open the door to possibility. I open the door to expansion. I open the door to vulnerability. I open the door to both pleasure AND pain. There just cannot be one without the other. I want the experience of loving another as deeply as it might hurt. I am choosing to focus on love instead of pain and disappointment. I believe that I will be a better partner, spouse, and lover because of this shift.

I choose love. I choose acceptance. I choose me, and in doing so, in genuinely loving myself, I open the door to loving another in ways I have only dreamed of. What I have to offer through my soft open heart is a love that bridges time and space. A love that can change the world. What we focus on we create, and it is time for me to soften the shell and focus on giving AND receiving LOVE.