#horsetrainer – Cathy Huddleston

OUR LAST GOODBYE

I arrived at Andi’s and our first conversation after everyone left was this…

Andi: “Do you know what’s happening with me?”

Me: “Yes”

Andi: “Say it”

Me: “You’re dying”

We shed tears aplenty and our last days together began.

What do you say to your friend when you know her end is near? I pondered this leading up to my arrival. We spoke on the phone, and I knew her diagnoses upon first discovery of the cancer. We talked frequently through the entire diagnoses and treatment process. My amazing and headstrong friend preferred to process out loud and we were good at that together. I could offer a different perspective, and challenge her thought process, always from a place of love and supporting her highest good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always agree with her choice, however, I respected her choice as it was her body and her journey.

I listened as treatment went from working exceptionally well, to not working at all. I listened as she decided that she wanted to live and intentionally narrowed her focus laser-like on to said goal. In the end, the cancer defeated her body in mere months. Ovarian cancer is a wicked insidious beast of destruction and devastation! Throughout the process my friend chose her journey based on her given options, and those moments we spent together near the end were gut wrenching and heartbreakingly beautiful…

I, like her other close friends and family, took my turn showing up and taking care of her. I mean this in the literal sense as I cooked for her, medicated her, kept her slushy full, helped her to the bathroom, drained the fluid off her abdomen daily, the list goes on. And, as important as the physical care was, more importantly I helped her process. I will carry many of our conversations throughout the years in my heart, quietly wrapped in a golden box, deep within my heart space, where those special moments live; Inside a box that only I have the key to. Lessons, laughter, shared sparks of wisdom through facilitation, horses, dogs, cats, a goat and including all the glorious moments of joy and laughter to conflict and disagreement…the entirety of our friendship held in images and feelings reminisced. We learned so much together and from one another, and I will miss our mutually supported growth so very much.

I’d like to share a few things from those last few weeks together. Andi allowed us to share with her community the end was near. The response from that community of people whose lives she had touched was truly profound. There were several people that she asked me to call and tell in person, conversations that I experienced as the bearer of sad news that in turn filled me with a deeper appreciation and understanding of her profound impact. So very many people sent written messages I had the privilege of reading to her, person after person who wanted to say thank you for a spark of awareness that led to an experience, empowering them to create change and better their lives. I read message after message, each filling me with a new respect for not only my friend, but also for the belief that we can each help those who come to us in our own unique way. I too, through a facilitated experience, can help shift a perspective and empower someone through experience with my gifts and it matters. I watched my friend stand in her power and purpose as she continued to impact and teach all of us to the very end. And for that I am forever grateful.

I’d also like to share from our mutual love of the horses. We connected over horses in Arizona so many years ago, and that love of horses held us in one another’s lives. We owned horses together, we cared for one another’s horses, we shared learning about and from the horses, and we disagreed on many levels around the horses. All in all, it was a well-rounded relationship! Some of my horses became hers and some of hers became mine. I cannot tell you how many conversations revolved around horses over the years, but every single discussion included a horse something.

The last day I was there with her was the day she decided to go out and see her horses one last time. The weather that afternoon was beautiful. Getting her to the barn involved three of us for support, a wheelchair, a vehicle, and another human to get horses up and in to stalls. Andi sat in her wheelchair in the aisle of the barn, and I brought each of her beloved horses to her one by one. Each horse in an order decided for us by the horses. Every single horse was gentle beyond belief. Some nuzzled her, breathed in the top of her head, several played with her blanket gently, and each quietly shared a profound moment of connection and love with her. I facilitated this experience with the horses, like I have so many times before, and will continue to do so in my lifetime, after all it’s a part of my calling and purpose. The last horse to say goodbye was the first horse we created together, the first mare born to our combined herd, and it was so very fitting to end with her. The goodbyes to her herd represented the truest version of our friendship and how we showed up for one another. It was not sad for me; it was honest and honoring of all that we as a collective were and are. A herd, both horse and human, honoring the ending of a beloved member and saying goodbye.

Andi crossed the rainbow bridge within a few weeks of that moment. On the other side of the bridge, I believe she was welcomed and embraced by all the four legged’s she’d loved and who crossed before her. Some might say our world is greyer without her in it, but I say our world is so much brighter by the light she brought to so many lives.

I catch myself wanting to call her and share something that occurred with my horses or a client, to debrief an experience, or just catch up…. And then I remember there’s no one to answer. Instead, I reflect on the moments of leading each horse up to her for that last goodbye, and then I open that golden heart-shaped box and retrieve a brighter memory, a memory I savor and gently place back in its place. I will forever miss you my friend and say “thank you” for every moment we shared … good, bad, or in between, and especially for allowing me the honor to be a part of your last goodbye. May the horse ancestors welcome you with a thunderous roar of their hooves, a gentle breathy nicker, and a nuzzle from each whiskered muzzle.

As Andi would often say, “How we do anything is how we do everything” and you my friend did it your way. I miss you….

Cathy

Hardened Heart?

It has been an intriguing time quarantining during this pandemic. I have had quality time with myself… everywhere I go there I am. The conversations have become monotonous, drab, even repentant and mournful. I have read an array of books. Currently, I am reading several about women warriors, feminine mythology, and Toltec teachings. I am also listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., and watching a new horse training series out of Europe. What else… oh, I have cried and wept out of the blue, researched prejudice and systemic racism, delved into my own bias and learned behavior, and took a few naps.

In the middle of all of this, I have discovered some things about myself. One of these things is that I have a hardened shell around my heart. At first, I thought it was a solid shell, like steel or platinum. That is not accurate, it can be permeable and pliable. I know this because when my pup smiles at me and makes eye contact, I can feel my heart lighten and expand. It feels as though my heart takes a deep soft breath, and a smile rises from the expansion as it fills my cheeks and eyes with happiness. Or, when my mare leans into my hand with her body and gently breaths me in with her eyes half-closed. These moments are visceral reminders of the loving resonance I share with these beautiful sentient beings.

Let’s talk about humans. I experience an expansion of my heart when I teach or facilitate people. I often do my work with people through horses and the lessons I have acquired from horses. The work is with people, and the resonance occurs with those people, and my heart feels overflowing in that environment. I am fulfilling my purpose and passion while supporting others in growth and healing, and that feels good from the inside out. I can hold space for them, share my experiences and learning, be vulnerable, shed a tear, and listen with a depth of focus and attention that blurs the world around us. I feel deeply, and the feelings are broad strokes of vibrantly colored emotion dancing through empathy and caring. That heart beating inside my beautiful being is ever-present and expanding.

The hardening seems to be with romantic or intimate partners. I have discovered that the permeable bubble shield around my heart turns to a solid. As I reflect on my past relationships, I can see a pattern. With each partner, I have opened my heart, lowered my shield, thinned the veil of protection, and allowed them to enter my heart. With each occurrence of joining my heart with someone, I have also experienced levels of pain and sorrow—disappointment in outcomes. The tearing apart of hearts and lives for varied reasons has left my heart broken with jagged, sharp edges slashing my soul. The deep red blood has pooled at the base of my heart space where it thickened and became sludge. The pain and disappointment of broken dreams, the sadness and grief that has accompanied the devastation, the mourning of said loss has come with pain and crocodile tears. Early on, my heart opened easily to romance and love. With each passing loss of intimacy, my heart became less permeable. Once light showed through and refracted all the rainbow’s glorious colors; now my heart casts shadows that are dark and cold like the depth of winter during an arctic blast in Calgary. The effort it has taken to warm and soften my heart in my most recent relationships has been challenging and fleeting. I have found my way to opening only to have it frozen and shattered yet again.

Here is the truth of my heartfelt enlightenment. This did not happen to me, I created it. My heart did not come with a handbook or directions. I have looked inside, and there are no instructions carved into my heart, or on the walls of my heart space. There is no loudspeaker calling out to me with the next steps. I must figure it out. None of this has happened TO me, I have defined and chosen my emotion, or lack thereof in each situation and ending. I decided to compartmentalize the painful arguments. I opted to shift to hardened inflexible neutrality when conflict and emotion escalated with my partners. I dropped my internal temperature to a state of frigidity that forced the shattering of my heart. I stopped the fluidity of emotion running through my being. I allowed myself to bleed out and become stagnant.

Why? Why did I make these choices? Quite simply, I did not have the tools or understanding to choose differently at the time. With each new foray into pain and discourse, I turned away instead of facing it head-on. I honestly thought I was creating better coping tools. Instead, I was destroying myself from the inside out. I get to own my choices and the role I played in the destruction of each relationship. There have been times when I have pointed my finger at the other person and refused to own any of our implosion resulting in the end. It could be called a childish or selfish response. However, I simply did not know how to do it differently.

Today I have a new awareness. I see the balance in my emotion. The depths of pain and despair that I can touch is balanced by the depth of love I can experience and gift to another. For example, my father has been gone half my life, and the cavernous grief I can still access today when I reminisce about our time together is unending. I know that I loved him as deeply as it hurts. As painful as that can feel, I would not trade a single moment or memory to lighten the load.

So now, I choose to shift my perspective of LOVE and loving another. I choose to embrace the softening and opening of my heart. The last blog I wrote was embracing Love as the reason. Today I choose to embody that concept. I know with each new awareness; I open the door to possibility. I open the door to expansion. I open the door to vulnerability. I open the door to both pleasure AND pain. There just cannot be one without the other. I want the experience of loving another as deeply as it might hurt. I am choosing to focus on love instead of pain and disappointment. I believe that I will be a better partner, spouse, and lover because of this shift.

I choose love. I choose acceptance. I choose me, and in doing so, in genuinely loving myself, I open the door to loving another in ways I have only dreamed of. What I have to offer through my soft open heart is a love that bridges time and space. A love that can change the world. What we focus on we create, and it is time for me to soften the shell and focus on giving AND receiving LOVE.

What if Love really can conquer all…

I am going to admit something; for many years, I have not fully believed in Love. I have questioned and doubted the power of Love. In relationships, I have openly stated that Love could not conquer all. I believed that there had to be more than “just love”. I am not sure where I began the shift away from Love in all her glory, but I did none the less.

When I was a kid, I deeply LOVED my animal friends, especially my dogs and horses. I spent all my time with them, and we adventured together. I was fearless with the horses and loved every minute of it. I rode them, hung out with them, even had conversations with them, and there was almost always a dog by my side. I even had a dog that would jump up on the saddle and ride with me. I have never lost or questioned my Love for the 4 legged’s, just with humans.

As a teen I dated, but nothing compared to my horse time. Maybe if some of them had been “horsemen” it might have been different, maybe not. I just remember that going to horse shows was more important than dates. I worked my dating life around my horse time and horse shows.

In my 20’s, I entered the horse world as a professional trainer. I experienced conflicting worlds when I began exploring relationships as an adult. I dated plenty of people during this time; some I loved deeply, some I just liked, some were great lessons in what I did not want in a relationship, I broke some hearts, and I had my heart broken. As time marched on, I began to embrace the limiting belief that Love could not conquer all, Love was just not enough.

On the other hand, I have always been present and supported others in their relationships. I listen, I offer a perspective that supports them when asked, I encourage patience, and I suggest that Love of one another can be reason enough to find the other side of pain and conflict. Unfortunately, I did not believe that to be true for me. In one of my relationships, when it came crashing down, she shared with me that she had always believed our Love could conquer all. She said that she believed we could get through anything because of our Love, and I stated that there had to be more than just love. I broke her heart, and in truth, I had been breaking my own for years.

Recently I started a class on Conscious Transformation, and the question was posed, “What limiting beliefs do you hold? What might your life look like if you let go of that belief?”.

For 24 hours, I danced around limiting beliefs that I have dealt with for years; I am not worthy, I have to pay my dues first. I was avoiding the big one, that Love can conquer all. What if Love is the source, the why? What would it mean if Love could conquer all? What might my world look like if this were true? What might be possible?

It hit me like a fully loaded semi-truck and trailer barreling down the highway at 75 mph, and I was the little bug that splattered all over the windshield! I had withheld the gift of Love, not only from others but from myself. Everywhere I have been looking to help heal myself and grow has been telling me, in a multitude of ways, that I need to open and soften my heart. I just could not see the forest for the trees, until I could. Now I am amazed at the variety and depth of the shades of green in that forest as I begin to see again.

So, this year I started with myself, and through my therapist and tons of books, became open to the idea of loving myself. First, I began to embrace my soul, my gifts, my differences as positive needed attributes; I began to embrace my passion and purpose with horses in an expanded way. I gave myself permission to mourn, to really grieve the horses I had loved and lost in my life. In doing so, I began to soften and build a stronger relationship with my current horse. We were missing that core heart connection because of me. Through listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D., I experienced an epiphany, that my body is my consort. Forehead slap! Everything I am, I do, I feel, I experience, is done THROUGH my body! The importance of treating her with Love and compassion unconditionally and unapologetically suddenly became a necessity, not a choice. And finally, I find myself at this juncture; Embracing the idea that Love of self and others is the only way…

If Love were my reason, what would that mean to self and others?

I will be there in the hard times because of love.

I will rest and rejuvenate because of love.

I will laugh because of love.

I will dance because of love.

I will cry because of love.

I will listen more because of love.

I will try harder because of love.

I will stand taller because of love.

When the going gets tough, I will soften and become flexible and pliable because of Love.

I will give of my heart without expectation because of Love.

I will forgive because of Love.

I will rise and protect those who need me because of Love.

I will reach out my hand to help others because of Love.

I will be present and witness because of Love.

And when the time comes, I will leave this world a better place than when I arrived, because of Love.

Today, I acknowledge the possibility that Love might truly be the way and why. Through Love, maybe anything IS possible. With a loving heart leading the way, my journey has already become brighter and clearer. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know that Love will lead me forward into a higher calling and contribution.

Today I choose to love unconditionally, and I know I will have to focus on this action indefinitely because LOVE is a verb. I will be tested, challenged, questioned; If I continue to return to the belief that Love comes first, then maybe, Love really can conquer all.

I HAD TO COVER MY MIRROR TO SEE MYSELF

About a month ago, I chose to completely cover my mirror. I covered it with quotes that spoke to me, poems about horses, and authentic nature. I included phrases that supported me in owning my voice and my authentic truth. There were pictures of me at 2 and 3 yrs., with my first pony Franco. Images of me teaching and smiling, smiling from my soul as I walked my path and lived my passion. Words that I wrote by hand in black marker, “Today I choose ME, Tomorrow I choose ME, Forevermore I choose ME”; I wrote those words to remind me of the importance, the necessity, and the value of choice. The choice to own my entire truth, my soul, my heart, my being at the molecular level.

In the last month, I have experienced myself in ways I had forgotten. I remembered how it felt to be living my purpose and my passion. Every day I looked at the photos of myself as a child with Franco, and each day I saw that little girl a bit more clearly. At first, I saw a girl with her horse, dragging him around his enclosure. Soon I saw the soulful joy in a child’s eyes as she dragged her pony around. Eventually, I recognized the choice of the pony going along with his kid in a peaceful way, with a gentle loop in the lead rope and a soft expression on his face. Finally, I began to see myself, my small body with long legs draped along his sides as he quietly grazed. I could see that I still lead a horse in the same relaxed manner. I could see a soul that came into this world with a love and passion for horses. I need to be with them, learn from them, ride them, teach them. I could finally see and reconnect with that perfectly amazing little girl.

There were phrases from different people and places that reminded me and encouraged me. One phrase from a song by Mary Lambert, She Keeps Me Warm, “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to”. This phrase spoke to me originally about my sexuality and owning My Truth. But in this context, on this board, daily, I was reminded of how I came into this world with a love of horses and self. A passion and purpose intertwined with horses; A lifestyle that is lived with horses as teachers, a student, and a trainer. Simply put, a deep connection and purpose of contributing through my love and learning with horses.

Another statement that stood out, “I am enough because I AM”. This phrase has been hard at times for me to resonate with. I have questioned my existence, my purpose, my contribution, and deemed myself unworthy and undeserving. I have attacked my inner voice with ideas and belief systems that said that I haven’t worked hard enough, I haven’t earned success, I haven’t impacted enough lives in a positive way, and that essentially, I am not enough. I chose to say “I am enough because I AM” out loud, daily, and repeatedly. They were just words until they were not. Just an idea and a concept, until those words reached the marrow of my bones. I do not know which day I heard my soul respond from the depths of my being; I just know that she did and said, “yes, yes, you are and always have been”. It was a whisper that first time, but I heard HER, nonetheless. The beauty is that I accepted and embraced her response, her whisper this time, and it became easier to own every second after that.

About 2/3rds of the way through this little experiment, I drove my truck. It had become quite easy by this point to not look at my reflection. It was not hard; I did not wonder how I looked. I could touch my stomach and my muffin top and simply notice how I felt inside and out. I could state that I love and accept my body exactly the way it is and mean it. I have been listening to the work of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., her work in The Joyous Body landed a shot to my perception that I will never forget. She presented the idea that our body is our consort, our never-ending companion on this journey of life. Our body never quits on us, no matter how we treat her. We can underfeed her, limit her sleep, drive her until she collapses, ignore her needs in every way possible, and she keeps going and trying for us until she can no longer. She has my back and continues to rise in honor of my drive and desire. I was reminded that this body that I have not loved or cared for in every way possible provides my journey. I ride a horse through her, I feel a hug through her, I experience pleasure through her – a kiss, a taste of coffee in the morning, the smell of orange blossoms blooming, the sound of birds chirping or horses chewing hay, the sight of my dogs wrestling. I feel sorrow and loss deep in her crevices, I feel the painful reminders of old injuries that linger, it takes a minute for her to get going after I sit for extended periods, I feel laughter and emotion rise up from her belly, and I feel what others feel through her sensory perception that I embody. She is not my enemy that I must manage and abuse into an image or societal norm. She is my companion, my devoted and loyal primary relationship married to my soul on this journey of life. When I embraced the concept of a primary relationship being with my body, everything shifted. She is glorious in every way she has existed. No matter my weight, my drive, my abuse, she has always been there with me, not despite me, with me. I suddenly understood so many things about acceptance and self-care. I recognized that I must treat her with love and dignity, listen when she asks for what she needs, and honor her loyalty and gifts. I must honor her and treat her in all those ways I desire to be honored and treated by a significant other in a relationship. SHE is my primary relationship, and it is up to me to provide all those things to HER, MY body, MY consort.

It came to me Friday morning June 5th that this was the day to uncover the mirror. That evening, before the lunar eclipse, in ceremony, I removed the covering. I anticipated a moment of catharsis I suppose, when seeing my image again in that mirror. That is not what happened. As I began to remove the covering, the quotes, the images. I repeated what was written and looked deeply at the images, including those of myself. In one photo, I was teaching students, and the smile on my face was that of a woman living and being her purpose joyfully. The smile was real, an embodied joyful moment captured without distraction. I could recognize myself in that photo, and looking at the image, I could feel deep inside my soul the peace, joy, and purpose I was living in that moment. I was in my lane and doing my thing. I did not look into the mirror until the covering was fully removed. I was not nervous or excited, just present in the ceremony. When I finally peered into the mirror at my image, I ever so gently saw myself looking back. I saw my laugh lines, my freckles, my slightly crooked smile, the depth of feeling in my eyes. I saw ME. I really saw myself for the first time in I do not know how long, and the face looking back was beautiful and loving.

This experiment started with my horse Cleo and noticing how she embodies her self-identity. She showed me who we are is not our exterior or our perceived flaws. We are inside out. She is the same, you know; she is a soul being that experiences life through her body consort. If that were not true, then all horses, all sentient beings, would be identical. They are not; they are individuals who model living life through their consort and honoring the body’s need to eat, drink, find shade, rest, enjoy companionship without ever knowing what their own reflection looks like. In that teaching, she gave me the opportunity to begin to see myself through her eyes: my true self, my magical self, my loving embodied self. Today and every day forward, I get to choose to support and love my consort, my body. I am choosing to make HER my primary relationship, and in doing so, I will be a better daughter, partner, teacher, student, trainer, speaker, author, storyteller, athlete, and so much more. I will be able to contribute to my community and live my purpose at a deeper and more profound level while leaving love and gratitude in my footprints.