#horses – Cathy Huddleston

WHAT IF THE HORSE IS ALWAYS RIGHT?

Whether you’re an equestrian, horse enthusiast, or participant in equine facilitated learning, you’ve heard me ask this question.

I am a student of the horse which means I turn to the herd when I bump up against issues. For example, when I was struggling with my self-image and obsessing over working out, I turned to the horse. How do horses see themselves? Do they see themselves from the outside in? Do horses judge other horses on their physical appearance; too fat, too thin, and so on? I found my answers by turning to the herd and found myself, yet again, by perceiving myself from the inside out, like the horses, and shifting to how I felt in my body, heart, and mind, thus driving my self-care from a place of feeling and authenticity.

The above question often appears when a human struggles to achieve their “goal” with a horse. We pause, whether in the saddle or on the ground, and ask a few questions.

*Am I congruent? Is my inner dialogue and feelings being held behind a mask? Am I in alignment from the inside out? In the simplest of terms, if I’m feeling afraid, I acknowledge internally that I’m feeling afraid and bring myself congruent. Congruence is necessary when working with horses since predators are incongruent when stocking a herd for a meal. Horses have a heightened sensitivity to incongruence and recognize the difference in us no matter what is causing the mismatch.

*Am I in relationship with the horse? Horses are relationship beings. A horse alone in a pasture is a lonely horse. Horses live in family groups and herds. Horses come together when there is a threat and do not scatter. Horses live life and function societally together, each with roles supporting the herd regardless of gender. Horses need us to be “in relationship” with them and connected. This type of connection comes from the heart and can look like touching, hanging out space, or simply eye contact. Connection looks different for each of us and the horse always honors our version as long as it comes from the heart.

*Am I present? Being present means right here, right now, Fully in my body and sensing my environment. Noticing how the ground feels beneath my feet, the air on my skin, breathing in the scents of the environment, and/or taking in the beauty with my eyes. A present state of being is all the horse knows; they do not spend time ruminating about yesterday or the “what ifs” that come with tomorrow. They exist right here, right now, in this moment. They “demand” the same from us to co-create because, for eons, their lives depended on it. You cannot be 99% present; you are either 100% present or not at all, just like pregnancy. Once these three questions have been answered and the horse’s needs met, we can move on.

Here’s what I share with clients verbatim in the round pen:

“If you are asking the horse to move forward at a walk, utilizing all your communication tools, and the horse turns and gallops the other direction, it is never bad horse you didn’t do what I said.

What if the horse is doing exactly what it perceives you to communicate? What if the horse is doing precisely what you said in “horse language”?

I call this perceived misbehavior because it’s your interpretation through your filters. If all the criteria are met to co-create with the horse, then that horse willingly does what it perceives you to be asking. So, let’s look at the feedback the horse provided through their actions and adjust your communication based on the feedback. For example, was the energy behind your “ask” too high a volume? Did your body position cut the horse off and drive them in the other direction? Let’s look at your part in achieving the goal and how you can adjust your communication to work for the horse, the recipient of your communication and co-creation partner.”

If the horse is always right, it becomes my responsibility as the communicator to adjust to the recipient’s needs. Shifting from blame or “the horse didn’t do what I said” to feedback and “How can I adjust my communication in a way that works for the horse so we can achieve the goal together?”. This shift in mindset and responsibility is critical in building like-language, cooperation, understanding, and successful co-creation. As a professional horse trainer, I have practiced the adjustment with many horses and also with numerous human clients.

If the horse is always right, what about my clients, family, and staff? I hope you can see that through this model and experience, a participant can shift to a responsible, present, engaged communicator and leader. Removing the blame and belief that others must meet us where we’re at and shifting to the understanding that good leaders build like language. They work at meeting the other person where they are. Good leaders are congruent, present, connected, active listeners, curious, open, engaged, and always willing to own their part.

The gift of learning these lessons with a horse is that the human can embody the experience and create cellular memories of failure, success, and change. They get the bonus of working with an excellent teacher, the horse, who does not judge—a pure experience with a sentient being that offers learning and growth from the heart.

It is such a gift to begin seeing things through the eyes of a horse. And, to reiterate, the horse IS always right!

Cathy

Interested in learning more? Drop me an email through the contact page and let’s chat!

WHO I AM IS NOT WHO I WAS

I have descriptives, ways I describe myself to others. I am a horsewoman, a student of the horse. I am an educator and a facilitator. I teach people and horses. I specialize in partnership development and responsible communication. I am, I am, I am…. In simplest terms, this is my shorthand elevator speech, and it is the truth and NOT the truth simultaneously.

First Pony, Franco
the 90’s
Tarrens Amigo and Cathy
Cleo
Cathy Huddleston

I’ve been exploring who I am in my deepest, darkest corners, nauseatingly. I’m a bit sick of myself. But here’s the deal: I’ve recognized the self-imposed cage that comes with “I am.” Who I am and what I do are not the same. Who I am and what I’m feeling are not the same. The only way to find the key, open the cage, and walk out and destroy the cage is to release the habits and beliefs I’ve chained to the statement “I am.”

Here’s the deal, “I am” has served me, motivated me, boosted my self-confidence, and opened doors. I have worn the statement “I am a horse trainer” with pride. I’ve worn my confidence and that descriptor like a superhero’s cape. I have trained horses that others couldn’t, solved problems, built partnerships, and loved every minute. That statement has fed my ego, and I succeeded.

As life progressed, I began using “I am” in conjunction with facilitator and educator. More capes placed upon my shoulders, worn proudly. Through my work, I reveled in the joy and adrenaline rush that came with changing people’s lives. My capes became adorned with golden embroidery and phrases starting with “I am.” I AM A FACILITATOR, I CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES FOR THE BETTER, I AM A TRAINER AND SOLVE PROBLEMS, I AM SUCCESSFUL, I AM INDESPENSIBLE. With each emboldened phrase added to each cape, the weight upon my identity and soul purpose became heavier. The capes wrapped so tightly around me that I could no longer carry them, stifled within the confines of my own making. I built the cage around me and threw away the key.

Why, why did I do this? Upon reflection, I’ve recognized a few things. Some of this ideology came from my upbringing and the culture I grew up in. I grew up in a small town in Western Kansas where I was repeatedly asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” The question was singular with a hint of choosing carefully because once I decide, that’s it! College felt like a given next step, not a choice. And so, the “I am” built momentum, becoming my identity and eventually a strength overused.

Time flies by, and today, I find myself in a place I never expected or predicted, unwinding and removing the capes of “I am.” In this place of release and reinvention, I find myself creating some changes in habit and action. Instead of “I am,” I’m beginning to differentiate between who I am, what I feel, and what I do—shifting from stagnant nouns to vibrant verbs. Invigorating my soul by moving from who I’ve been to how I want to experience life. No more use of the phrase “I am a horse trainer, a people trainer, a facilitator, and an educator.” Now, I practice embodying my curiosity about how horses learn, what people can discover about themselves through horses, what questions I can ask in the role of facilitator to serve others, and how I can utilize my knowledge and skills to continue learning AND pass on my knowledge and skills.

When I glimpse in the mirror and look into my eyes, I see glimmers of my younger self. I see that little girl thundering across the ground on my pony, arms spread wide and joyfully laughing into the universe. I had no care in the world, and it didn’t matter who I was; it mattered how I felt. It mattered that I was learning new things, falling and getting back up and on. This is who “I am,” that fierce little warrior of joy-seeking adventure. I gradually lost that connection, one grain of sand at a time. I have reclaimed my relationship with her, with my authentic self, and choose to embrace my curiosity and desire to discover new things and new learning. I choose to gallop across the plains, arms thrown wide and laughing with the universe.

Today, I invite you to join me in letting go of “I am” and reconnect with yourself, your inner child, and joy through the eyes of a horse. The ever-present and unconditional acceptance and connection in a present state of being with a horse can be life-changing.

So, contact me if you’d like to go on this journey and experience self-discovery through the horses. After all, there’s nothing like the gift of unconditional acceptance and connection through the eyes of a horse. Go to my contact page and reach out. I cannot wait to share horses and curiosity with you!

Cathy

OUR LAST GOODBYE

I arrived at Andi’s and our first conversation after everyone left was this…

Andi: “Do you know what’s happening with me?”

Me: “Yes”

Andi: “Say it”

Me: “You’re dying”

We shed tears aplenty and our last days together began.

What do you say to your friend when you know her end is near? I pondered this leading up to my arrival. We spoke on the phone, and I knew her diagnoses upon first discovery of the cancer. We talked frequently through the entire diagnoses and treatment process. My amazing and headstrong friend preferred to process out loud and we were good at that together. I could offer a different perspective, and challenge her thought process, always from a place of love and supporting her highest good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always agree with her choice, however, I respected her choice as it was her body and her journey.

I listened as treatment went from working exceptionally well, to not working at all. I listened as she decided that she wanted to live and intentionally narrowed her focus laser-like on to said goal. In the end, the cancer defeated her body in mere months. Ovarian cancer is a wicked insidious beast of destruction and devastation! Throughout the process my friend chose her journey based on her given options, and those moments we spent together near the end were gut wrenching and heartbreakingly beautiful…

I, like her other close friends and family, took my turn showing up and taking care of her. I mean this in the literal sense as I cooked for her, medicated her, kept her slushy full, helped her to the bathroom, drained the fluid off her abdomen daily, the list goes on. And, as important as the physical care was, more importantly I helped her process. I will carry many of our conversations throughout the years in my heart, quietly wrapped in a golden box, deep within my heart space, where those special moments live; Inside a box that only I have the key to. Lessons, laughter, shared sparks of wisdom through facilitation, horses, dogs, cats, a goat and including all the glorious moments of joy and laughter to conflict and disagreement…the entirety of our friendship held in images and feelings reminisced. We learned so much together and from one another, and I will miss our mutually supported growth so very much.

I’d like to share a few things from those last few weeks together. Andi allowed us to share with her community the end was near. The response from that community of people whose lives she had touched was truly profound. There were several people that she asked me to call and tell in person, conversations that I experienced as the bearer of sad news that in turn filled me with a deeper appreciation and understanding of her profound impact. So very many people sent written messages I had the privilege of reading to her, person after person who wanted to say thank you for a spark of awareness that led to an experience, empowering them to create change and better their lives. I read message after message, each filling me with a new respect for not only my friend, but also for the belief that we can each help those who come to us in our own unique way. I too, through a facilitated experience, can help shift a perspective and empower someone through experience with my gifts and it matters. I watched my friend stand in her power and purpose as she continued to impact and teach all of us to the very end. And for that I am forever grateful.

I’d also like to share from our mutual love of the horses. We connected over horses in Arizona so many years ago, and that love of horses held us in one another’s lives. We owned horses together, we cared for one another’s horses, we shared learning about and from the horses, and we disagreed on many levels around the horses. All in all, it was a well-rounded relationship! Some of my horses became hers and some of hers became mine. I cannot tell you how many conversations revolved around horses over the years, but every single discussion included a horse something.

The last day I was there with her was the day she decided to go out and see her horses one last time. The weather that afternoon was beautiful. Getting her to the barn involved three of us for support, a wheelchair, a vehicle, and another human to get horses up and in to stalls. Andi sat in her wheelchair in the aisle of the barn, and I brought each of her beloved horses to her one by one. Each horse in an order decided for us by the horses. Every single horse was gentle beyond belief. Some nuzzled her, breathed in the top of her head, several played with her blanket gently, and each quietly shared a profound moment of connection and love with her. I facilitated this experience with the horses, like I have so many times before, and will continue to do so in my lifetime, after all it’s a part of my calling and purpose. The last horse to say goodbye was the first horse we created together, the first mare born to our combined herd, and it was so very fitting to end with her. The goodbyes to her herd represented the truest version of our friendship and how we showed up for one another. It was not sad for me; it was honest and honoring of all that we as a collective were and are. A herd, both horse and human, honoring the ending of a beloved member and saying goodbye.

Andi crossed the rainbow bridge within a few weeks of that moment. On the other side of the bridge, I believe she was welcomed and embraced by all the four legged’s she’d loved and who crossed before her. Some might say our world is greyer without her in it, but I say our world is so much brighter by the light she brought to so many lives.

I catch myself wanting to call her and share something that occurred with my horses or a client, to debrief an experience, or just catch up…. And then I remember there’s no one to answer. Instead, I reflect on the moments of leading each horse up to her for that last goodbye, and then I open that golden heart-shaped box and retrieve a brighter memory, a memory I savor and gently place back in its place. I will forever miss you my friend and say “thank you” for every moment we shared … good, bad, or in between, and especially for allowing me the honor to be a part of your last goodbye. May the horse ancestors welcome you with a thunderous roar of their hooves, a gentle breathy nicker, and a nuzzle from each whiskered muzzle.

As Andi would often say, “How we do anything is how we do everything” and you my friend did it your way. I miss you….

Cathy

Gratitude

I have been exposed to the word gratitude everywhere lately. Be grateful, write a gratitude journal, and so on and so forth. I believed that I practiced gratitude, but lately I have been re-examining the idea of gratitude versus simply being grateful. Is it a practice and what does that mean? Is gratitude simply being thankful? Is gratitude and grateful the same thing? So many questions…

According to the webster dictionary gratitude: “is the quality of being thankful or the readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” The difference, I suppose, between gratitude and grateful is that grateful is a feeling and gratitude is an action. So, I started looking around my world to explore this idea. My world is filled with dogs and horses, so that is where I began.

My Bella pup is a rescue dog. She came from a situation where she lived with more than a dozen dogs. Rather unexpectedly she lost one of her people and the other was struggling with devastating health issues. The result was rehoming the pack. My Bella was maybe a year old when I got her and one of the very last to be rehomed. Being a true Doberman, she is extremely sensitive. It has taken her over a year to really settle in with Cali and me. Connecting with Cali was much quicker than with me. One of the things that was apparent when I picked her up was that she was under weight. However, since coming to me, she has never missed a meal. But, during this exploration of gratitude I realized something very cool. Every day after Bella has eaten, she finds me and says thank you in her special way. Every single time she is fed she demonstrates gratitude joyfully by finding me and licking me. It is an action that she takes twice daily, and that action has never faltered. This occurs after she eats her meal, not before, she is not begging or manipulating me to feed her. It happens after she has eaten, and she practices the action of gratitude.

So, I began wondering if and how horses show gratitude. As I meandered around each of the horses while doing regular things like feeding, grooming, fly spray, or skin allergy treatments, I began to look closer at the interactions. When it comes to feed time, the horses expect to be fed. However, as I was treating skin allergies, I noticed something. One of the mares used to be notorious for not being caught, even with grain or treats. As a broodmare I do not blame her as catching usually meant shots, or palpations (think OBGYN exam), or other invasive procedures. Here is the deal, when I go out to treat her skin allergies, she comes to me. She stands quietly leaning into me ever so slightly. Her eyes will gently soften and close halfway as her head lowers a bit and her breathing softens. She stops moving her feet, she places her trust in me by closing her eyes, and she stands there by choice allowing me to treat her. She does not leave once I am done; she stays and invites more touch through touching me. She is showing me gratitude through connection. It is an action, different than Bella’s, but the action of gratitude all the same. My discovery…connection can be an act of gratitude.

For me, the action of gratitude has been overshadowed by my feeling of gratefulness. I thought I had been practicing gratitude, but mostly I have not. So, I have shifted some things to begin to practice gratitude. First, I have started acknowledging the gratitude shown me. I have softened my response and my heart. Interestingly, I know when this is occurring by how my eyes soften, and I feel the smile lines around them. My heart seems to get lighter and expand, while at the same time giving me the feeling of gratefulness. Secondly, I have started reaching out and sharing the impact people are having on me. I have sent authors notes of appreciation like Jennifer Pastiloff who wrote “On Being Human”, so frickin’ good. The show runner for one of my favorite TV shows of late that has been providing much needed representation. Author and storyteller Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Honestly, too many to name and the list is growing. Now, sceptics will say that some will never receive the notes or even know about them, so why bother? Well, the thing is that I am not doing it for them, really. I hope they do get the notes and feel acknowledged, honored, and appreciated for their work and contribution. They have impacted me in beautifully devastating, and soulful ways. Moments where I have felt less alone or seen because others have had similar thoughts or experiences in life. The act of sending these messages is really for me, and I have given myself permission to practice gratitude through my words, which feels awesome!

I have had a hard time over the years receiving people’s gratitude. Often, I have deflected it or reflected it back onto them. Stating things like, “You did the work” and “you were ready to hear or feel what was offered in that moment”. The truth is that I felt uncomfortable receiving, and that probably came across in many ways I did not intend. The awareness I have around this now is that it was possibly disrespectful of me not to receive and certainly not balanced energetically. It takes effort and courage to express gratitude and deserves to be received, even reciprocated when possible. Gratitude in its highest form can be a beautiful exchange between beings. My Bella and the horses are teaching me how to be more present while experiencing gratitude. So, to all who read this I say thank you, thank you for taking the time to read my words. May you feel the gratitude I send through the universe to each one of you. And, as we transition into this next chapter in our communities, no matter the outcome of our elections. May we each begin to come together and not only explore the areas we are grateful for in our own lives … may we all begin to deepen our practice of gratitude toward one another. May each of us look around and not only see the hungry but feed the hungry. May we offer a hand up, help our neighbor, pay it forward in a drive through or coffee shop. Eventually we will be able to gather again and through the practice of gratitude, may we become a humane, accepting, supportive, and loving community.

Cathy

ALONE

Recently I had a REALLY hard day. Everything came crashing down and I could no longer hold life up on my shoulders; I collapsed emotionally onto the floor in a heap of tears and sobs. All day long I could not keep it together, I couldn’t even find the end of the rope to start the process of climbing… I’d like to say I gave in to the message, but I didn’t. I fought it, gave it the finger, and no matter what, I kept getting knocked on my ass by waves of emotion and release!

I’ve supported others thru the process of understanding and embracing the gifted guidance of emotion. I not only teach emotion as information; I practice emotion as information. I know the ebb and flow of emotion. I know emotion brings messages that provide valuable information for us. I know emotion is the driving force behind our decisions. I know that we attach meaning to situations and experiences based on our feelings/emotions. I know baggage from experiences can get attached to our psyche through emotion instead of learning. I’ve spent decades exploring, reading, researching, learning, teaching, and growing through the process of understanding and embracing emotion. I have done this in a variety of ways, but my go to has always been the horses for understanding and teaching emotion as information. I could not see the forest for the trees; I could not get my head above water; I was on the ground, in the rising dust of thousands of horse’s hooves with no ability to stand and find my way out.

As I sit here with my dogs and horses exploring my experience, with the ability to look back from the other side on those moments… The thing that keeps coming to mind is an image of a horse standing alone in a pasture. From a distance he seems fine, grazing there by himself. But, upon closer inspection, we see a sad horse in isolation. A horse with no other of his kind nearby. A sentient being whose species is designed to live together in family groups and herds. The very makeup of a horse’s DNA is to be with others of their kind for both survival and companionship. I have known practically my entire life that a horse alone is a miserable horse. Through my education I’ve come to understand why that means. It is written in their DNA to be together. It is the makeup of their social system. Even young bachelor stallions in the wild join in bachelor bands until they acquire their own family herd.

We humans have done many things for our convenience to horses. One of the cruelest of those things is isolation. It is not unusual for breeders, owners, and trainers to isolate a horse “for his/her own protection”. This translates to the horse being of perceived high value, a show horse, or an owner who doesn’t want any veterinary bills. The latter will occur whether we like it or not. I’ve seen this practiced at many levels; being turned out in a paddock alone, hand walked, turned out in the arena alone and chased around, and even stalled continuously except when being ridden. These are all accepted practices in the horse industry and done so with good intention. Unfortunately, there is often a consequence for human needs and perceptions placed higher than the naturally occurring needs and drives of the horses themselves. Stomach ulcers are one such issue and occurring with such a high prevalence, that it has become common practice to feed ulcer prevention medication daily. By the way, there is a negative consequence for long term use of any medication including this kind. Few horses cope with these practices well on their own. Coping behaviors develop like weaving and cribbing; solutions for these behaviors are pain inducing deterrents like cribbing straps. But seldom is a change in “keeping strategy” tried. This all adds up to unhappy, unhealthy horses.

What does this have to do with me? Well, on this side of my turmoil, I’m recognizing through the above lessons with horses, that I’ve been doing the exact same thing to myself! I have been keeping myself in a stall and not turned out with others of my kind. I’ve been doing this far longer than just during quarantine. I was in a long-distance relationship from fall 2016 to around fall 2019. Both of us had demanding responsibilities, and we lived a plane ride apart. Me on horse properties in the Midwest and Florida and her in NYC. We not only lived in vastly different places, but also lived quite different lives. Our schedules meant we were lucky to see one another once a month and often longer. Honestly, I think my relationship was with a voice on the phone. The consequence for this choice in relationship meant more time alone. I still engaged with people at work or socialized some with friends, but mostly stayed home and connected via the phone to my girl. During this relationship, I thought we were building toward a life together, clearly, we were not. The habit of being at home alone continued through my breakup and habitually into the pandemic. And then I found myself spun out. The gift of this epic collapse and break down is being able to see the forest for the trees again. Humans, like horses, are designed to be together. It is in our DNA to live in family groups and communities. This has been passed down for generations and is a part of our survival mechanism. It is also a part of our social system. Being together with others includes things like energetic engagement, eye contact, and even touch. The ability to give and receive a hug, you know, the heart to heart pause and embrace breathe one another in kind of hug, can be necessity with those we care for. The components of healthy human connection have been missing from my life, and it is causing coping behaviors to resurface. I spent a month having a glass of wine or two or even three every night. My OCD behaviors have surfaced, and I catch them after beginning to do them instead of at the thought point. I have a shorter fuse and am quicker to anger. I have dipped my toe many times into apathy. I have binge watched some unusual and cool shows to shut out the world. I have tried numerous meditation practices to fight the constant chatter in my brain. The list goes on and on.

I recognize the things that I have been craving, I have not wanted to acknowledge to myself. I am single and alone and isolated. I miss engaging with other humans in a present state in the same physical space. I miss the gentle touch of a partner caressing my skin. I miss the soft supple lips of a woman kissing me. I miss morning coffee with another human. I miss sharing stories and laughter over a meal. I miss disagreements and making up. I have missed these things for many years now, with just a weekend taste here and there. Honestly, the real isolation has occurred in my heart. Somewhere along the way I locked my heart in a stall and wouldn’t let her out to play with others. I experienced pain and loss so many times and in so many ways that I shut her away to protect her. In doing so, I caused more damage to me.

My little, ok not so little breakdown was a gift to me, albeit wrapped in a dark downward spiral that shattered me into pieces. When I started to begin the repairs, I discovered the truth of my “alone”. It is a prison of my own creation. It is also a prison I have the key to, so I have chosen to unlock and open the door. I let my heart out of her cage. I know what she needs and that’s authentic connection. It’s always been easy to allow love in from my 4 leggeds and gift it right back to them. The challenge has been with 2 leggeds. I have struggled with why I have chosen so many partners who were emotionally unavailable and the answer is because I have been emotionally unavailable!

So, today I walk through life with a rose quartz colored heart seeking another to match mine. I open my heart to receiving. I celebrate tribe and family, and the knowledge that eventually, I will be with other humans again, without masks and social distancing. I’m open to being with, truly being with another person in a primary romantic relationship that includes building a life together, in whatever way we decide fits us (I’m still not traditional), and I look forward to being with others of my kind, sharing life, laughter, stories… and LOVE…