ALONE

Recently I had a REALLY hard day.  Everything came crashing down and I could no longer hold life up on my shoulders; I collapsed emotionally onto the floor in a heap of tears and sobs.  All day long I could not keep it together, I couldn’t even find the end of the rope to start the process of climbing… I’d like to say I gave in to the message, but I didn’t.  I fought it, gave it the finger, and no matter what, I kept getting knocked on my ass by waves of emotion and release! 

I’ve supported others thru the process of understanding and embracing the gifted guidance of emotion.  I not only teach emotion as information; I practice emotion as information.  I know the ebb and flow of emotion. I know emotion brings messages that provide valuable information for us. I know emotion is the driving force behind our decisions.  I know that we attach meaning to situations and experiences based on our feelings/emotions.  I know baggage from experiences can get attached to our psyche through emotion instead of learning.  I’ve spent decades exploring, reading, researching, learning, teaching, and growing through the process of understanding and embracing emotion.  I have done this in a variety of ways, but my go to has always been the horses for understanding and teaching emotion as information.  I could not see the forest for the trees;  I could not get my head above water; I was on the ground, in the rising dust of thousands of horse’s hooves with no ability to stand and find my way out. 

As I sit here with my dogs and horses exploring my experience, with the ability to look back from the other side on those moments…  The thing that keeps coming to mind is an image of a horse standing alone in a pasture.  From a distance he seems fine, grazing there by himself.  But, upon closer inspection, we see a sad horse in isolation. A horse with no other of his kind nearby.  A sentient being whose species is designed to live together in family groups and herds.  The very makeup of a horse’s DNA is to be with others of their kind for both survival and companionship.  I have known practically my entire life that a horse alone is a miserable horse.  Through my education I’ve come to understand why that means.  It is written in their DNA to be together.  It is the makeup of their social system.  Even young bachelor stallions in the wild join in bachelor bands until they acquire their own family herd. 

We humans have done many things for our convenience to horses.  One of the cruelest of those things is isolation.  It is not unusual for breeders, owners, and trainers to isolate a horse “for his/her own protection”.  This translates to the horse being of perceived high value, a show horse, or an owner who doesn’t want any veterinary bills.  The latter will occur whether we like it or not.  I’ve seen this practiced at many levels; being turned out in a paddock alone, hand walked, turned out in the arena alone and chased around, and even stalled continuously except when being ridden.  These are all accepted practices in the horse industry and done so with good intention.  Unfortunately, there is often a consequence for human needs and perceptions placed higher than the naturally occurring needs and drives of the horses themselves.  Stomach ulcers are one such issue and occurring with such a high prevalence, that it has become common practice to feed ulcer prevention medication daily.  By the way, there is a negative consequence for long term use of any medication including this kind.  Few horses cope with these practices well on their own.  Coping behaviors develop like weaving and cribbing; solutions for these behaviors are pain inducing deterrents like cribbing straps. But seldom is a change in “keeping strategy” tried.  This all adds up to unhappy, unhealthy horses.

What does this have to do with me?  Well, on this side of my turmoil, I’m recognizing through the above lessons with horses, that I’ve been doing the exact same thing to myself!  I have been keeping myself in a stall and not turned out with others of my kind.  I’ve been doing this far longer than just during quarantine.  I was in a long-distance relationship from fall 2016 to around fall 2019.  Both of us had demanding responsibilities, and we lived a plane ride apart.  Me on horse properties in the Midwest and Florida and her in NYC.  We not only lived in vastly different places, but also lived quite different lives.  Our schedules meant we were lucky to see one another once a month and often longer.  Honestly, I think my relationship was with a voice on the phone.  The consequence for this choice in relationship meant more time alone.  I still engaged with people at work or socialized some with friends, but mostly stayed home and connected via the phone to my girl.  During this relationship, I thought we were building toward a life together, clearly, we were not.  The habit of being at home alone continued through my breakup and habitually into the pandemic.  And then I found myself spun out. The gift of this epic collapse and break down is being able to see the forest for the trees again.  Humans, like horses, are designed to be together.  It is in our DNA to live in family groups and communities.  This has been passed down for generations and is a part of our survival mechanism. It is also a part of our social system.  Being together with others includes things like energetic engagement, eye contact, and even touch.  The ability to give and receive a hug, you know, the heart to heart pause and embrace breathe one another in kind of hug, can be necessity with those we care for.  The components of healthy human connection have been missing from my life, and it is causing coping behaviors to resurface.  I spent a month having a glass of wine or two or even three every night.  My OCD behaviors have surfaced, and I catch them after beginning to do them instead of at the thought point.  I have a shorter fuse and am quicker to anger.  I have dipped my toe many times into apathy.  I have binge watched some unusual and cool shows to shut out the world.  I have tried numerous meditation practices to fight the constant chatter in my brain.  The list goes on and on. 

I recognize the things that I have been craving, I have not wanted to acknowledge to myself.  I am single and alone and isolated.  I miss engaging with other humans in a present state in the same physical space.  I miss the gentle touch of a partner caressing my skin.  I miss the soft supple lips of a woman kissing me.  I miss morning coffee with another human.  I miss sharing stories and laughter over a meal.  I miss disagreements and making up.  I have missed these things for many years now, with just a weekend taste here and there.  Honestly, the real isolation has occurred in my heart.  Somewhere along the way I locked my heart in a stall and wouldn’t let her out to play with others.  I experienced pain and loss so many times and in so many ways that I shut her away to protect her.  In doing so, I caused more damage to me. 

My little, ok not so little breakdown was a gift to me, albeit wrapped in a dark downward spiral that shattered me into pieces.  When I started to begin the repairs, I discovered the truth of my “alone”.  It is a prison of my own creation.  It is also a prison I have the key to, so I have chosen to unlock and open the door.  I let my heart out of her cage.  I know what she needs and that’s authentic connection.  It’s always been easy to allow love in from my 4 leggeds and gift it right back to them.  The challenge has been with 2 leggeds.  I have struggled with why I have chosen so many partners who were emotionally unavailable and the answer is because I have been emotionally unavailable!

So, today I walk through life with a rose quartz colored heart seeking another to match mine.  I open my heart to receiving.  I celebrate tribe and family, and the knowledge that eventually, I will be with other humans again, without masks and social distancing.  I’m open to being with, truly being with another person in a primary romantic relationship that includes building a life together, in whatever way we decide fits us (I’m still not traditional), and  I look forward to being with others of my kind, sharing life, laughter, stories… and LOVE…